The Price of Empathy for Women

Well ladies, once again it seems like you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t. I’m talking about the leadership skill of empathy. They want it, you got it, but you’re penalized if you use it too much.

People leadership has never been more challenging than it is today. During the last year and a half, managers shifted their teams to remote work, found ways to meaningfully collaborate and coped with the stress of an unprecedented way of working. Next up, The Great Resignation left managers scrambling as workers everywhere rethought why, where, and how they work. Then there’s the grappling with hybrid work and potential new shutdowns as COVID variants of concern inevitably surface. And the reckoning on race, equality, diversity, and inclusion is not going anywhere.

Leaders are being tested in ways they never have before. It’s not surprising then that new leadership skills are required (or old ones dusted off). Skills such as managing fatigue, stress, and burnout and fostering diversity, inclusion, and belonging. All of this requires empathy.

Douglas Broom, in his article recently published in the World Economic Forum, said that empathy is the most important leadership skill in our troubled times. He refers to new data from Catalyst, a not-for-profit organization for the advancement of women, which found that without empathy people feel undervalued and excluded, and more likely to quit their jobs.

The Catalyst survey found that 76% of people whose boss demonstrated empathy said they felt engaged at work while just 32% felt the same way with an unempathetic boss.

Moreover, we know that women, and particularly minority women, struggled most during the pandemic. The survey found that when a boss displayed empathy, 80% of people across all ethnic groups and genders felt valued. But when a boss lacked empathy, only 40% of non-white women felt valued.

These differences are huge. But wait, there’s more.

In the business world, empathy also encourages innovation. The effect is particularly strong with senior leader empathy such that 61% of people with highly empathic senior leaders report often or always being innovative at work compared to only 13% of people with less empathic senior leaders.

We didn’t need data to tell us that it feels good when we work for people and organizations who listen to us, who care about our circumstances, and who treat us as humans versus resources to be squeezed and squandered. But for those who need the proof. There’s lots of it.

You’d think then, if leaders displayed empathy, it would be a good thing. These empathetic leaders would be lauded, praised, regarded as role models! Especially during these uncertain times. Maybe, maybe not. If you’re a woman, you risk being seen as soft, or worse, that your empathy is an ingrained trait that doesn’t count for much.

The latest Women in the Workplace report by LeanIn.org and McKinsey & Company found that the mission-critical work of supporting employees’ well-being, and advancing diversity, equity and inclusion is disproportionally performed by women. And they aren’t being rewarded or recognized for it. While companies are reaping great rewards from these efforts, this work is being relegated to the category of office housework.

As Marianne Cooper (HBR) points out, office housework is often conflated with assumptions about what women are naturally good at or interested in. Why should you get recognized, promoted, or paid extra for this work? It’s just something you should do, because, well, you can (argg, hair pulling out moment here).

Cooper provides two real examples. When a woman manager provides team members with emotional support during a time of societal crises, it can be overlooked as “caretaking” instead of being recognized as strong crisis management. When a Black woman manager hosts a panel on anti-racism in the wake of racial violence, she can be applauded for her “passion” but not rewarded for her time, leadership, or DEI acumen.

The best leaders have always had empathy at their core. The pandemic, however, increased the importance of empathy, propelling it as a must have competency for every leader. Empathy isn’t a nice to have; it’s mission critical. If women are demonstrating these skills, they must be recognized. These times are hard enough. Why are we making them harder? Haven’t we all suffered enough?

It’s time for organizations to pay up and reward those leaders who are stepping up to manage the crisis of employment we’re currently experiencing.

It’s time to change the price tag on empathy for women.

Why Women are Saddled with Imposter Syndrome

“Do I belong here?”

I sat in the cold dark ballroom as the panelists took their seats on stage. The panel consisted of two female experts and two male executives; each was given a couple of minutes to introduce themselves. The two women and one man gave a modest introduction of their roles. Dave was last.

In his southern drawl, he said, “Hi, I’m Dave. I don’t know what you heard when my fellow panelists just introduced themselves, but here’s what I heard. ‘I’m Dawn, the brilliant, world-famous doctor at the renowned Mayo Clinic saving people’s lives every single day.’ ‘I’m John, the suave, good-looking and highly educated CEO of a bank.’ ‘I’m Leslie, the genius scientist working at a multibillion- dollar company you all know and love and I’m saving the world with my discoveries.’ And I’m Dave, a hick from Texas who didn’t graduate high school, and I help transport stuff.” 

The audience laughed with shock and disbelief. They didn’t expect a man to voice those concerns. After all, Dave belonged up on that stage—right alongside the doctor, CEO and scientist. He had risen to become a company president; he had received awards during his time in the Navy and he’s a great leader.

In that moment Dave felt inadequate as he compared himself to the other executives and experts on stage. He had imposter syndrome.

Have you ever chalked up your success to luck, chance or good timing? Do you discredit your accomplishments or feel that you don’t deserve them? Do you ever feel like a fraud? If you said yes to any of those statements, you may be sabotaging yourself. And before you start putting yourself down for that, guess what: we all do it.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines imposter syndrome as the “persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.” Despite evidence of success and competence, there is a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud. Imposter syndrome erodes your confidence and can prevent you from taking risks or striving for things that you are completely capable of already or are capable of learning.

But here’s the thing.

Research shows that men and women equally experience imposter syndrome. In fact, 25 to 30 percent of high achievers may suffer from imposter syndrome and a 2019 review of 62 studies on imposter syndrome suggested anywhere from 9 to 82 percent of people report having thoughts along these lines at some point.

Why then do women overwhelmingly get saddled with the term?

Ruchika Tulshyan  and Jodi-Ann Burey provide one piece of the puzzle in their landmark HBR article, Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome.

The term, originally named imposter phenomenon, was coined in a study that looked at high-achieving women back in 1978. It stands to reason that because the concept originated in a study group of women, the term ‘stuck’ to women. But subsequent studies have shown that anyone, in fact, everyone may experience feelings of being unsure, uncertain or undermined.  

I think there’s more to the story.

Dave, the president panelist, does not represent the norm in the sense that he was a man who admitted to having these defeatist feelings to a ballroom full of people. He did represent the norm by not letting his doubts stop him. Dave went for it, and he succeeded, right to the top.

Boys are raised to be certain, to not show fear and to go for it. Girls are raised to be careful, to avoid risk, to wait and see. If anyone is susceptible to feeling like an imposter, the nurtured response to deal with them are different. If you’re a boy/man you go for it, fight through the fear. If you’re a girl/woman you stay back, stay safe.

Thankfully I see signs of this changing. A movement has begun to question traditional male gender stereotypes such as stoicism and strength, opening the door for important traits of vulnerability and sensitivity. Similarly, there are movements aimed at young girls and women to believe, to go for it, to dare and to risk.

This leads to another important point that Ruchika and Burey make. Overcoming imposter syndrome means creating an environment that fosters a variety of leadership styles and in which diverse racial, ethnic, and gender identities are seen as just as professional as the current model (where everyone looks the same. I don’t have to describe it, you know). They argue that we must focus on fixing the cultures and the organizations that enable, perpetuate, and exacerbate bias and exclusion which lead to feelings of uncertainty and doubt. I agree we must do this. It’s critical.  

But equally as important I believe we must normalize feelings of uncertainty and doubt that everyone feels. Maybe before we can unhitch the term imposter syndrome from women, we must first hitch the cart to men’s horses. Maybe that will be an easier first step. What do you think?

I also don’t think it means we need to do away with all the workshops and conversations with women about imposter syndrome as Ruchika and Burey seem to suggest. The feelings are still there. Targeting organizational and cultural initiatives won’t magically make individual feelings go away overnight. This isn’t an either-or situation. It’s a both situation. I agree that this isn’t about fixing women, but it is about having conversations that get at negative self talk.

Here’s the bottom line.

Let’s normalize feelings of uncertainty and doubt – it’s a human thing, not a gender thing.

Let’s retire this term of imposter syndrome once and for all.

Let’s continue to have conversations about negative self-talk of all forms.

Let’s create the cultures and organizations that make it okay to express our doubts and embrace a broader definition of competence, confidence and leadership style.