Happy International Women’s week! Although the official day was yesterday, many organizations are having events and celebrations this week.
Last year on International Women’s Day a woman reached out to me and said that she was celebrating by sending out messages to five women that had inspired her with rewarding career advice. She went on to tell me how the feedback I provided impacted her in the most positive way. So much so, she shares the advice with others.
You can imagine how thrilled I was to receive that message in my inbox. Of course, it felt good, but more than that it reminded me how even short interactions can have a positive impact when you have a mindset of bringing out the best in people. I loved so much that she took time to reach out to women that inspired her, I decided to do the same. Instead of a personal message sent directly to her inbox, I’m letting the world know how much she inspires me. I know she won’t mind.
Today I want to say thank you to Liane Davey, a former colleague, and dear friend for bringing out the best in me. When Liane and I worked together she was the person who propped me up, gave me tough love feedback, or offered her shoulder to cry on. She was as invested in my advancement as I was. As a thought leader, I am inspired by her ideas, her drive to make an impact in leader’s lives, and her generosity to help whenever asked.
You may have heard of Liane. She’s a New York Time’s bestselling author, frequent contributor to Harvard Business Review and keynote speaker. She works with top organizations to help them build healthy conflict cultures.
Liane’s newest book is called The Good Fight: Use productive conflict to get your team and organization back on track. I chatted to her about why she felt compelled to write a book on something most of us sweep under the carpet. I hope you enjoy our conversation as much as I did.
What led you to writing this book? I mean, come on, it’s a topic most of the world wants to avoid.
True!! It’s actually a topic that I want to avoid too. I hate conflict. I get sweaty palms even at the thought of saying something that will make someone not like me. But a long time ago, I realized that being afraid of conflict meant that I was stuck in whatever dysfunction was going on around me. I had to learn how to work through the issues, so I didn’t have to wallow in them.
Now fast forward many years later and my primary occupation is helping executive teams work their way through contentious strategy and team effectiveness situations. Turns out, they like conflict about as much as I did. So, I knew it was time to take everything I learned about fighting the good fight and turn it into a book!
Why does the world need this book now? How prevalent of a problem is it and what’s at stake?
There are actual two big problems that are affecting organizations. By far the most common is conflict aversion. Organizations with conflict-avoidant cultures fail to execute, they struggle to innovate, and the leave risks unexposed. At the team level, teams that aren’t willing or able to work through interpersonal issues see trust erode and engagement suffer. And painfully, individuals who tolerate treatment that they aren’t happy with feel their stress building to the point that it’s toxic not only to their work lives but also their personal lives. Conflict avoidance is a serious problem at every level.
At the same time, while the majority of organizations are suffering with conflict avoidance, there are a few where conflict is common, but that conflict is harsh and personal and destructive. In those cultures, they have a small group of people who relish the conflict and then an endless churn of others who come in and get burned out by the high-friction environment.
So, it’s really two problems I was trying to solve with The Good Fight…the need to realize that some things are worth fighting for and the need to ensure that the fight is healthy.
What is the most common problem you see on teams?
I find that the most common problem is that people don’t actually communicate. I tell people that they can’t communicate AT one another, they need to communicate WITH one another. (Communicate means to ‘make common,’ which you can’t do on your own.) It’s amazing how often people pretend they understand what their teammate said when, in reality, they were just waiting for their chance to lobby for their own point. It’s almost funny how often people are raising their voices and behaving as if there’s a conflict when in fact they’re arguing different points altogether. I have to stop them and ask the first person, “What are you solving for?” and the second person, “What are you solving for?” It’s so common that they’re actually advocating for two completely different and not even incompatible positions. Sheesh…makes me crazy how many arguments could be completely avoiding if people would listen to one another!
Does the problem get worse the higher up in the organization you go?
Hmm…that’s a great question. I think sometimes it does. The biggest challenge I find is in middle management. You get smart, capable people who have spent their whole careers succeeding by either doing something themselves or by directing their teams. They know how to get things done as long as they’re in control. Then boom, they hit those middle management layers and they need to accomplish things through influence. Maybe they’re in a matrix structure, or they are on more cross-functional projects. Either way, there’s seldom clear accountability, and almost always some finessing to do. In these situations, conflict is more important and more difficult.
Once you get to the C-suite, they’ve got more experience with conflict, but they’re not necessarily any better at it. I still see conflict avoidance, passive-aggressiveness, and even some table-pounding, spit-yelling good old-fashioned hostility. On the plus side, I’m not worried about being out of work anytime soon.
Is there a dynamic you’ve observed with women and conflict? Are their differences or perceived differences?
As a psychology nerd, I always have to say that the differences within a gender are bigger than the differences between. So, no, there’s no universal female conflict style. That said, there are a few things that make productive conflict even harder for women. First, we’re socialized to believe that conflict isn’t ladylike, so we have to shed that unhelpful stereotype before we’re even willing to tackle our conflict aversion. Second, women are systematically disadvantaged when it comes to power in organizations. Even when women get to the C-Suite, they’re often in professional roles (e.g., marketing, legal, HR) rather than in line of business and general management roles. As such, they might still feel subservient to the men they work with. Those power differentials make conflict risky. Finally, I’d be remiss not to mention that as women, sometimes we have to cope with saline squirting out from our eyes. Yup, crying at work is still perceived as unprofessional, so women often avoid conflict for fear that it will make them emotional. I’m on a crusade to help everyone understand that emotions at work are normal and natural and if we make the appropriate place for them, they will serve us well. I’ll let you know how that goes!
As one of the world’s best conflict avoiders, what is one small step I can take tomorrow to get better at this?
If you’re not comfortable with conflict, the first place to start is by asking great questions. (That’s actually the secret to really productive conflict for everyone.) When a conflict arises, the trick is to understand what’s beneath it, because conflict is pretty much never about logical facts and issues. When you encounter a situation where the tensions are rising, ask a question that will help you expose the underlying concerns. You can try, “What is most important for you in this decision?” or “How do you see this playing out?” or “What would a solution need to include for it to work for your team?”
It’s usually a relief when I tell people that. They exhale and their shoulders go down two inches when they realize they don’t have to stand in their power pose and proclaim, “No! You are so wrong, so very, very wrong!” Just ask a question and see what you learn.
You can buy The Good Fight here. Liane makes a book about conflict a joy to read. It’s full of meaningful stories, humor and practical tips that anyone can try regardless of role, level or sector.
If you’re looking to be inspired, you can’t go wrong by checking out Liane’s work. Learn more about how she helps change teams for the better at LianeDavey.com
Go on and reach out to a female that positively impacted you.