I recently attended a webinar by Lean In Canada called Elevating Gender Equality: A Conversation on How to be a Male Ally. The session was a bit slow to start, but by the end, I felt, dare I say, hopeful.
The panel was made up of four men that differed in age, racial background, leadership level, organization and sector. Yet they all shared a common goal – to take an active role in ensuring gender equality.
I was moved with how these men thought about their roles, how they shared a common mindset and how they offered practical tips that can be implemented immediately by anyone. I know that many of you are working on allyship in your organization too. Here is a summary of the conversation.
The Mindset of an Ally
Each man opened the conversation by introducing their background and explaining what led them to becoming a public ally for women. I say public because there are many men who are great allies, quietly doing the work to sponsor women. The men I listened to have gone one step further. They are part of Lean In male allyship circles. They engage with others and have regular conversations to learn, to share and to make impact beyond individual relationships.
Why did they decide to take their allyship public?
Now I know what some of you might be thinking. They must have daughters, wives or sisters that drove their decisions. Many men get derided for pulling the ‘daughter card’. But you know what, we have to cut that out. I dedicated my book to my daughter. My mission is to make the world better for all our daughters. Women are not the only people who have this wish, who are driven to make change. Men get to care about this too. We need them to.
In fact, two of the men don’t have daughters at all. One was moved when he read a specific piece of research on the hardships that Asian women face with access to opportunities, hiring and pay equity. It shook him to the core. Another was interested in better understanding his blind spots while getting his MBA. He joined both a women in management group and an ally circle.
While they didn’t use these words explicitly, I got the distinct sense that these men understand that gender equality is the important work of leadership, period.
Here’s what I learned about their mindsets.
Don’t call yourself an ally. Ally is not a label you can give yourself - you earn it. It was clear these men weren’t out for recognition for themselves. They were putting in the work to take a stand. They were seeking to better themselves, evolve cultures and increase opportunities for women.
Make allyship active. It’s easy to have good intentions or think supportive thoughts. But until you act, it means nothing.
Shift to a systems perspective. Helping individuals is important and rewarding. But change requires an ongoing challenge of processes and systems too.
Recognize your voice matters. When you are silent, you reinforce the bad behaviors that limit opportunities for women.
Make equal, not identical. Being a sponsor and an ally is not about imposing your approach, your way, your style. It is about expanding definitions of leadership.
Eradicate the bro code. The biggest fear for men is facing backlash from breaking the bro code. As one of the men so poignantly said,
“There is more strength in standing up for humanity
than there is for men.”
Tips from Male Allies
These are the practical tips that the men offered:
Start at home. Model behaviors at home by dividing up physical and more importantly emotional labor. Take the lead on planning, appointments, childcare. Be prepared to take a step back and prioritize the needs and goals of your partner too.
Get rid of “fit”. Challenge yourself to make your teams and organization better by adding to it, not making it the same.
Make yourself approachable. Let it be known that you are open and available for sponsorship opportunities. Get known for someone who makes time for developing current and future talent.
Listen and learn. One of the most valuable experiences for one of the allies was when he was approached by a young woman of color for a reverse mentoring relationship. The woman created space for the ally to ask questions he had never asked before, or knew to ask. This experience reinforced that working on equality was not about taking away identity.
Engage supporters. Talk to other males who are open or neutral and want to help, but don’t know how. Increasing awareness and engaging support over time will make change.
Get educated. Read, attend events, listen. Dive into the gender equality and equity stats, the biases and common stereotypes. Soak up the situations and implications that are real and happening all around you.
Just ask. Ask your female colleagues and direct reports proactively how you can support them and how you can show up for them. The men also urged women to not hold back from asking men to be their ally. Ask us to be on your side and to actively look out and stand up for you.
Give public credit. A simple thing we can all do immediately is give credit to women’s ideas and accomplishments in open meetings and closed-door conversations. Give women profile in forums where they are unknown.
#interruptheinterrupter. Don’t interrupt women during conversations and apologize when you do. And last, for goodness sake, interrupt others when they interrupt your female colleagues. Ensure they are heard.
Thank you, Astor, John, Jason and Brandon, for going public, for taking a stand and for being great leaders.
The role of male allyship has never been more important. Let me know what other mindsets and behaviors you’ve witnessed, experienced or inhabited.