Humility has gotten a bad rap. It’s holding millions of people back, especially women. It’s time to change this; I’ve just the guy to help.
This month I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Galen Bingham on his Whisky, Jazz, and Leadership Podcast. It was as fun as it sounds. Something unexpected happened during our conversation. I don’t recall exactly how it came up, but at some point, I said something like, “I’m really good at what I do.” Galen was taken aback and wanted to revisit my statement. Not because he viewed me as arrogant (as I suspected and felt when I said it) but because he said it was rare and refreshing.
Galen is a former executive turned leadership coach and facilitator who believes that we are all designed to be the greatest in the world at something. To achieve this, he is on a mission to redefine humility. I am too. Let’s look at how it’s defined and interpreted now.
Merriam-Webster says humility is the absence of feelings of being better than others; freedom from pride or arrogance. We use the term to temper the jerks who are arrogant, are closed to others’ ways of thinking, or believe they are the only ones who can do what is asked. But let’s tackle those toxic behaviors for what they are: egotistical, conceited, haughty, or condescending.
Let’s not muddy the humility waters with pride in the definition because pride is not bad. Pride is a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction from one's achievements, the consciousness of dignity, confidence, and self-respect. Pride is an integral part of our performance. Humility has shamed pride.
The ubiquitous use of humility in leadership competency models has done more harm than good. Instead of tempering arrogance, it has led to infinitely more people downplaying their strengths and being under-confident.
In my experience, women, who are actively discouraged from childhood to tone down their confidence or not talk about their strengths and achievements, often bear the brunt of pride shaming.
Rather than authentically owning our strengths and feeling genuine pride, many of us feel shame when discussing what we’re great at. This has led to what’s known as the humble brag, an attempt to disguise a brag with humility. Barf! No! It’s time to reframe and redefine humility. Here’s what Galen thinks about it.
At work, for example, we’re told to receive feedback with humility conditioning us to focus on our weaknesses while downplaying the things we do well. Here’s the problem with that line of thinking. We have tens of thousands of thoughts a day, with almost three-quarters of those thoughts being self-critical. We ruminate these self-critical thoughts repeatedly in our brains, cementing negative stories in our neural pathways, which become defaults. It’s a caustic downward spiral. To achieve our greatness, we need to stop self-sabotage.
Galen describes a better definition of humility that embraces the reality of being human. There are things you’re terrible at, good at, and excellent at. We all have full spectrums of performance. Being human and having humility means embracing all of them. And in my experience, many women focus more on the not good at, than the excellent at.
Here’s what I’d like you to try right now. Tell me five things you’re excellent at, even an expert in. This often sends the women in my workshops into a panic. To which I respond, I didn’t say Olympic-level, Nobel prize-winning, chart-topping excellent. I mean, in Galen’s words, “one of the best 2 or 3 people you will ever meet when it comes to doing this particular thing.” We all have these expert talents. I’ll go first.
I can create one of the best workshop experiences you’ll ever have.
I can have a conversation to help you feel empowered at work.
I can go into your home, open the fridge and cupboards, and create a gourmet meal with whatever you got at the time.
I can look at a color and tell you what it’s called.
I can go shopping and pick the perfect high/low outfit for you.
I’m not a chef, decorator, or stylist (but I often think I could be). I’m trying to get comfortable with owning and articulating the things I’m great at.
Now you go. I am one of the best 2 or 3 people you will ever meet when it comes to…
Send me a note and tell me what they are!
Reframe how you think about humility and embrace the full spectrum of your capabilities. Fight the conditioning to dwell solely on the things you’re not great at. If they’re career limiters, fix them, hire for them, or change jobs. Otherwise, feel authentic pride for what makes you great. Embrace the full definition of humility and go after what you want.
Fun Footnote: My daughter and I are gathering data. It started when she noticed that numerous boys asked her a single question, “Are you good?” When she tells new kids she meets what she’s into, whether it be beach volleyball, dance, or trapeze, a half dozen boys have followed up with, “Are you good?” Not a single girl has asked her that question. This struck her as odd, and I told her to pay attention to this over time to collect more data. More importantly, I asked her how she responded. I don’t know! Why are you asking me that? were her default answers. Don’t worry; I’m encouraging a prideful Of course, I am.